Update

I continue on leave, receiving short term disability. Thank goodness I had the sense to pay into that "benefit" for it is what's keeping me afloat financially. I sold my car at the end of September and bought a nice bicycle. Riding it, walking and taking the bus will be good for me physically, and help produce endorphins and increase dopamine, etc. to help my brain rebuild some of the connections that PTSD can break. My T is thrilled that I did it. Physical activity improves mental health considerably!

My new health insurance administrator is pretty much useless. It's been six weeks and they still have not completed their review of my T to get him on my plan. The T I used for EMDR is not covered, period.
Due to the numerous stressors from many directions, I'm having some cognitive slowness. Of course, I'm in my mid-forties now, so that may also be "middle aged brain" kicking in.

I'm sure its scarey for those of you out there reading this blog, seeing that someone who has gone through years of therapy and has "healed" on many levels has still so much trouble internally. (And.. externally) You probably don't want to read this stuff, because you want to believe that DDNOS can be "fixed." I too have always wanted to hear that it can be "fixed." And it can be/has been on many levels. But, sometimes it takes a long time to reach all the levels, especially when denial is the gatekeeper to each and every level, and the abuse began during initial, critical brain development stages. You can't get back to a state that never was in the first place.

I try my best to be gentle with myself and do what I can. I hope you are being gentle with yourself too.