To disclose or not

It must be at least two years ago now that Emily/Cami/Gwen over at Emily-First-Girl did her post and survey about whether those with DID have disclosed their condition to their friends and employers, or maybe fess up to a partial condition such as PTSD. If I remember right, most people said that if they had done any disclosure, they opted for a partial one. A few people who responded said they had disclosed the full extent of their condition, with mixed consequences.

In the past I have eventually disclosed to a boss or two a less than in depth report on having a disorder in the dissociative spectrum. It took me like three or more years to do so each time. I don't know if it was the time delay that made a difference of acceptance and understanding on the boss's part (finally they had something that they could use to understand my behavior that had puzzled them over the past X number of years?) It was the length of time and the history we had created together that allowed me to feel ok with disclosing.

Therapists in my past usually counseled against disclosure, especially in the late 1980's when dissociative disorders diagnoses were still very controversial and not accepted as legitimate in the mental health, medical and psychiatric realms. Now its been 25 yrs, and people like Roseann Barr and Herschel Walker have gone public about having it, and the world didn't fall apart. It's still a subject of controversy, but people are getting more familiar with it, and seem more open to accepting its legitimacy. It's no longer automatically considered the UFO of psychiatry.

So, now, there is a questioning in myself, with only 6 months in my new job, of whether I should disclose to my managers. I have had my six month review and they have pinpointed behavior that I have been doing which is interfering with my job performance. They know I can do better if I just unblock myself. How can I tell them that the blocks that I have put in place allow me to do the job as well as I am doing and to function in life without being in a constant state of flashback? How do I tell them that the more emotionally connected to things I am, the faster, more constant the flashbacks are, but that emotional connection is how most people stay motivated and feel rewarded in their work? How do I admit to having something that, according to the "warning signs" checklist from the training we attended about workplace violence, I'd be added to the "constantly watch" list due to having PTSD? How do I disclose without becoming fodder for workplace gossip? How do I tell my boss that I have experienced both my manager and assistant manager violate confidentiality of others, have heard my co-workers parrot phrases to me that I have only used with my managers and I fear that this information would not stay private, but would be "shared" with my co-workers in the (unreasonable to me) attempt to have them "understand" me better? How do I say that being talked about by others is one of the biggest buttons that anyone can push for me? Basically, how do I tell them all this and also say "I don't trust you to treat this with discretion?"

So, I shouldn't tell. To tell would be more like self sabotage, walking into the lion's den knowing that the lion hasn't eaten in weeks. Foolish, career suicide. Because the biggest thing that they'll take away from it is that I cannot trust. Not that they are not trustworthy. My failure to trust will be my defect. The irony never leaves me.

Switched in front of my very eyes!

Last month I was going though a depressive spell. It lasted 8-10 days, I was getting worried for myself. Was very low, indeed. Wasn't eating much, and what I was eating wasn't healthy. As a lifeline, I reached for some comfort food, one of which, for me, is some old fashioned tomato soup. I heated the soup in the microwave, in a coffee cup, and with it at the right sipping temperature, I took a sip.

Instantly my entire mood shifted, my vision cleared and I took on an entirely different ego state. For several weeks after that drinking in of the tomato soup I was energetic, tackled the very needed spring cleaning of my place and generally was not depressed. The change was amazing! And the switch was so obvious to me internally that I had to re-evaluate what is really going on with me these days. Not that I have any answers. Just many more questions.

Anyone else ever have such a clear switch? What did/does it mean for you?