Results of Pressure

I'm still under pressure at work. I'm meeting with managers once or twice a week to review productivity numbers and assess where the problems are in my not performing to their robot level standards they require. (sarcasism intended there, heh.) While they say I am improving, what to me it is is really assimulating, acting more like all the other workers, getting faster, but making more mistakes. But, that is their definition of improvement, so I guess I am improving.

What is increasing is the anxiety I feel daily, continually. That anxiety triggers flashbacks. Flashbacks that can be on continually for days, which called for getting back in to therapy to see if I can get them resolved. I've found a therapist who is was trained by Francine Shapiro's institute, is certified in EMDR, and actually has room in her schedule for new patients! I've started with her, and have some optimism about getting some relief.

The funny thing about suffering all these years with flashbacks (its 30 years offiicially this year) is that the clues have been there for understanding what is going on, but not enough to create the right picture to know whats what, well enough to get resolution. Over the years the flashbacks got clearer, stronger, more defined, and their triggers were more observable and defineable so that the dots were enough to connect and see the picture they make. I'm going to list those clues and triggers now, and the other pieces that contribute, to show the picture. There's probably triggering material in here for someone, so be warned.

******POTENTIAL TRIGGERING MATERIAL AHEAD, CAUTION*****

Flashback time progression and symptoms

*feeling of fullness in my mouth
*occasional sensation that I was drawing in air, as if I was inhaling on a cigarette (non-smoker, never smoked)
*distant visual/ vibrational sensation that something was coming at me in a repeated pattern right at my face
*sensation of being pounded repeatedly in the face and about the head - but not painful
*tingling feeling inside my mouth, the roof of my mouth and cheeks
*throbbing of the tissue on the roof of my mouth
*throbbing in a certain part of my brain that responds at other times to sexual arousement
*dissociated image of myself gagging
*an automatic restriction of my breathing when feeling anxiety, a puckering/narrowing of my mouth cavity
*a response of stuckness, numbing, trancing when several of the above symptoms occur at the same time
*a tightening of my throat, a feeling of rawness or dryness in throat when in trance
*if moving the anxiety energy over to a different part of my brain, immediate seizure like response - or head jerking, head shaking, snapping head to one side. The seizure is a whole body response in a rhythm that mimics being in the throws of vigorous sexual activity.

There are more symptoms, but can't think of them now

thought/feelilng symptoms
*I made a mistake =anxiety and panic
*the simple act of pursuing what I want will bring terrible trouble :"I want"=anxiety or fear of impending threat
*Acknowledging that others see me or are watching me (ie, "being visible") = anxiety, panic. Restriction of breathing
* Realizing that others DON'T see me and are not being respectful = feeling of mortification, despair, shame
*long held realization that my upbringing taught me that you must trust untrustworthy people.
*a sense of being centered, grounded, in my body, connected to the physicality of the world and in touch with my ego=being visible, to myself =anxiety of pending abuse. It would also make me aware of blood flow in areas of my body that "were the same" as when the abuse was occurring. Associated heightened blood flow with abuse activity in that same body area and the feelings that those particular abuse events had contained.


Facts of the abuse
*dad, my perp, used to show up in the oddest places around the house, (outside bathroom window (standing on a ladder!) when I was bathing, behind a door of a room, in the room next to where I was, peeping around the wall, etc.) I'd notice him watching me just before being abused. The abuse was oral, and digital, and then later also anal, and at age 11 vaginal. All forms were used by perp after age 11.
*there was some child porn years in the abuse where we kids were taken to a private home and coerced to perform sexual acts on adults for the camera (sometimes the acts were just simulated and not actual, but the coercement was real) this added to the sense of being watched, and "being seen and then abused"
*I have an aversion to being in front of a camera - video and film cameras included.
*as a toddler/preschooler the simple wanting of a toy that was located in a place in our house where I had to traverse to- When i'd get there, I'd find the toy and then realize that HE was there too. It was unpredictable, but opportunity then made itself clear to him and so he abused me. (Which made me connect the "I want" with "I made a mistake" + anxiety of pending abuse, plus sensations from abuse
*of the many ways I dissociated, which included numbing, trancing, out of body experience; was a technique I call immersion. When I couldn't do any of the other ways of dissociating, I would focus on the sensations of the abuse itself. I would only focus on one specific thing, such as vibration, or pressure, or rhythm, or the specific sensations in my muscles or tissue so that I became only that specific element without recording meaning to it. There were times I'd transpose the location of the abuse to another part of my body (if it was anal, i'd record the sensation as if it was vaginal, so as to lessen the shame I felt during the event.) There were times when during the abuse event I recorded myself as being him and not me. That, therapists say, is called identifying with the abuser to escape the feelings of being the abused. Helps me understand why for many years I had dreams that I had a penis, or believe that I could feel what it was like to have a penis. Sheesh, the things a kid had to do to survive!

****END TRIGGERING***


The flashbacks that I have been having for 30 years are the pieces, the sensations I had isolated and fixated on and recorded so that I could survive the individual abuse event. The flashbacks are triggered by one thought or feeling as listed above. Sometimes it could be a resemblance to the feeling. It will be interesting to see in EMDR therapy how all the various sensations are linked together and how they can be reconnected and then disarmed.

I want to let my readers know that while its true that 30 years of flashbacks suck, it does feel good to know that with each insight a fuller, more connected picture does eventually emerge. All the clues I listed above were there pretty much since day one, but not connected in any obvious way.

One of the biggest hinderances to healing for me over the years was that POSITIVE feelings of being visible, feeling whole and centered, which are actual GOALS for therapy, were the biggest causes of my flashbacks. The therapists over the years that I've seen didn't know what to do with those obstacles. Now, there's hope that they will no longer be lasting obstacles, because I can now connect the dots and see that I with each flashback, I am reliving a piece of an abuse event that actually happened and know what they are, actually, and know what the thoughts and feelings are that bring them on.

Its hopeful that I won't have to employ the strategy that I have been using for the past 15 years, which is organizing my whole life on avoiding experiencing flashbacks. That strategy has lead to a very restricted life, an isolated life without much joy. I look forward to someday soon feeling ok when I realize someone can see me, that being recognized and visible isn't a horrendous repeat of the abuse, but a pleasant way to feel connected to others who care about me. Thats a good goal, right?