Riding the waves

Here it is mid-June 2010. Seems like yesterday we were all worried about Y2K and what would happen when we entered a new century. Now we're ten years into that new century. Things have changed but mostly they have stayed the same, for people, human nature, has stayed the same.

I'm trying to be philosophical lately because in truth my internal life has been like a little boat swirling in continuous waves. Not big, scarey waves like the teenaged girl sailor experienced last week that snapped her sail and forced her to activate her rescue beacon. More like gentle waves that push just enough to send leaves spinning as they slowly move downstream. I keep trying to focus on an anchor, but not much seems strong enough to stop the spinning.

What does help is routine, habits, and saying NO to anything that creates more confusion. Getting down to the basics of life, healthy food, a regular sleep schedule, a routine of chores, and paying bills helps me feel safer in physical reality. Telling myself that no matter what new ideas seem shiny and exciting, no matter how many other people say something is so important that you need to change your life to embrace it - no matter what other priorities are suggested to you by others as being IT! I cannot allow any of it to sway me, because for me all of that isn't just an intellectual exercise, its a disruption to my inner focus, and activates fragments that cause too much deviation from a unified effort, that pull me off course, confuse me, and later brings regret and defeat from once again seeing proof that I don't have control over my own personality.

When I say that I don't have control over my own personality, Its not that I am switching all over the place so that everyone is aware of it. Its more like I keep changing my mind, don't follow through, don't keep promises (because I don't remember them) and generally seem "flakey." I don't want to be flakey. I want to have one direction and stick to it. Its just that my subconscious has other plans and other impulses. Like herding cats. ...