When there's no way out, go deeper in

Status update: I am now unemployed. I knew that it was coming since my most recent job was seasonal temporary. If not for the need to pay the bills, I could happily remain unemployed indefinately! The Unemployment office has so far approved my benefits claim - from when I was employed for a large company earlier last year. For those future weekly unemployment checks- I am extremely grateful!


"When there's no way out, go deeper in." That line is from the movie 'The International,' which I watched earlier this week on DVD. Not sure how truly sound that advice is, but I find myself coming to the same conclusion today, wanting to apply that new philosophy to my current job search.

Year after year I've operated my life as if this DDNOS / PTSD was something that was attached to me externally. As if it was a boil or a mole that I could just cover up, something that just irritated a bit, and got in the way occasionally, but was not a huge obstacle in my life. (I guess there is no limit to the denial I use!)

But lately I have come to see that the DDNOS and PTSD are a huge deal, especially in relation to how I go about making a living and how I interact with people at work. Everything I do in my daily life is predicated on my need to be aware of what triggers I may encounter and how well I can stay centered and cohesive internally. I experience a great deal of stress on the job when I work with so many people who come in and out of my general workspace. The confusion I feel when I cannot understand the decisions management makes, and the bewilderment I experience when I cannot understand fluxuating social alliances just makes the stress build and build until I become an intense, difficult, negative, pain in the ass to others around me. This pattern goes back through each job I've held since my working life began. It appears that I am controlled by that pattern, and I am unsure how to change or stop it. So instead I've recognized that now I am attempting to control the pattern (eliminate the possible occurance) by looking for jobs that might isolate me more than I am already. Which is not the way to have the pattern broken, I know. For the isolation and lack of opportunities to do a broader range of tasks which utilize a broader range of my skills will only feed the stress, and repeat the pattern once again. I know, I know.

So this "no way out, go deeper in" thing... Instead of denying that what I have is truly a disability, instead why not run towards it? Embrace it. DDNOS / PTSD controls all the other areas of my life, why not give it a premier spot in my work life too? Make it my whole life (for it really has been anway.) Perhaps working in areas that address disabilities, and serving those who have disabilities may be the key to helping me come to terms with my own. Perhaps I'd be able to heal on a level that I haven't been able to before. What do you think of this logic? Is it logical at all?

This new approach has actually revived some old, positive, creative energies within me. I am reminded of other skills that I have that have been dorment for a very long time. It's exciting to recall them. As always, there's a caution in the background, telling myself to be mindful of the dangers of flagrant optimism and zealous enthusiasm - mustn't fly too high towards the moon, its important to keep the feet on the ground!

And so now I feel trepidation and internally defeated. Somewhere inside I finally accepted that I am human.