Avoidance, Ambivalence

There is a cycle I go through that doesn't involve switching or parts, or flashbacks. While perhaps the more normal of the phases I experience, it is a cycling through ambivalence about relationships (of all kinds) and an avoidance of communicating to others about the mundane, very human experiences of life.

I have friends whom I have not written to or spoken to in months. Am I angry with them? No. I feel great fondness when I think of them, and hope that they are doing well. But I cannot bring myself to reach out and make contact. I'm not depressed nor am I embarrassed about anything in my current situation. It's just Avoidance- of opening that emotional connection which makes me feel more real, more present, more vulnerable.

This avoidance of relationship(s) is a defense mechanism. Defense against what? Reality, vulnerability, the impermance of life. A way to give a mental nod to the idea that no matter how firm a relationship, there is always the possiblity of it ending, a possiblity of one day experiencing betrayal. Unfortunately, this habit done too much, becomes self-fulfilling.

Little setbacks

The hives were strong for ten days and then slowly lost their itch. Not that I like to admit this, but the hives scared me. I had just come off the master cleanse and was a third day into drinking freshly made veggie juices when the hives started. I didn't know if I was allergic to one of the veggies or if my body was trying to kick toxins. This fear was a setback, and I reacted to it by stopping the veggie juicing. I know that it is a healthy way to get my nutrition, and will try again soon. Hopefully the hives don't return.

Two weeks ago on a Saturday night after 9 pm, I almost got into an auto crash. While I was driving through a green light and half way through an intersection, a pickup truck pulled out in front of me to take a right turn. I slammed on my brakes - the sound was probably heard for several miles!- and missed the truck by about three inches. The truck driver kept going and didn't even look back. I wonder if they even heard my brakes!! I was surprisingly calm during this whole incident, but it did bring up a reluctance to do any errands/driving at night. Another setback on my way forward.

Its odd to see how little things, and not so little things can impact the spirit of a person so that they veer from the course they were on previously. While these two examples have a good outcome, its a good example of how delicate an equalibrium we have. (I have?)

Some have accused me in the past of doing too much personal analysis- their probably right- I just know that I have some things to learn about my reactions to things, and what it takes to set me back.

Way back when in therapy when we were looking at things from a child development stages perspective, the issue would have been about feelings of safety and security, and uncertainty about making mistakes. It all comes back to how we originally strung our internal wires. (There is an internal baby part that is eternally uncertain about her safety and the seriousness of results of actions done by her and others.)

This post was going to me more thoughful, but sort of lost the whole thing before I sat down.

What constitutes a setback for you? How do you/how long does it take you to get back on track?