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My how working through the holidays has consumed my time. Filled my pocketbook some too, thank goodness! I can see that its been almost a month since I last posted here. Lets see if I can manage to write once every five days so that I'll have 5-6 posts per month. Eckk, a public goal stated. Probably doomed to fail now! lol
Happy New Year, everyone! Its a new year and new opportunities to begin again or do things differently than the year before. I like the notion of letting ourselves release the old and try again. Its quite liberating!
There isn't any one particular "resolution" I have for my life this year as it relates to living with a dissociative disorder. Mostly I think I want to re-engage the good coping skills and healthy caretaking habits that help manage my stress levels and thereby minimize my reactions when under stress, things that I have done in the past but have recently let slip. By good coping skills and caretaking habits I mean these: eating healthy food and taking nutritional supplements as needed according to how I have learned my body handles them; sleep regulation - for me that means reducing the amount of sleep I get instead of increasing it; sensory depravation - reducing noise and people contact on a scheduled basis so my sensitive system can reset and regenerate, especially because I work in a job that deals directly with the public; practicing tapping again for stress reduction; allowing myself to dream and plan - these are extremely important to me to maintain a sense of control over my life and a sense of security.
Are there habits or coping skills that you want to incorporate into your life routine as a way to manage your dissociative disorder? If you had to only choose one to give you the best return on your time investment, what would it be?
2 days ago
2 comments:
You have no idea how thankful I am to you for this blog.
I have been dating the most wonderful man for about 6 months, my soulmate. We met 5 years ago, but lost contact. He found me and after some hesitation, I gave him a shot. I am far from normal, but this man has been through more stuff than anyone should have to go through. I love him from the bottom of my heart.
I am so scared right now because he has shut me out. I saw him this past weekend and he was a different person in his actions, words, and looks. I have been searching for answers ever since. This whole ordeal seems to have started around Thanksgiving. For unmentionable circumstances we could not be together. I believe we both wanted to be more than anything, but we spent all the holidays apart. Since Christmas the phone calls have come less and less frequently. Today was the first day we have actually not spoken since our relationship started.
He is my best friend. He is wise beyond his years.
I ache because I don't know what to do. He tells me he will "be back", but he needs to work out his problems in his head on his own. I don't want to put too much pressure on him. I believe him when he tells me it has nothing to do with me because he still gives me glimpses of the man I love from time to time. He still tells me he loves me and I really do believe that.
You see, he lives about 2 hours from me and I have small children, so at this point it is immpossible for me to get to him. I don't even know if seeing him would be good anyway. This past weekend was horrible because he kept running out and leaving me with his brother, his friends, or totally alone.
I was dumbfounded. Now that I have had time to do research. I do have a Psych undergrad degree, so I pulled from that and have read many articles on dissociation.
I started to put the pieces together. He had been discussing hypnosis with me a lot recently. We have talked about his "trance" states and meditation. He has so much pain and sometimes I get him to talk about it, but other times I can see him slipping off. I was always able to bring him back before, but this time is so different.
I know that suicidal thoughts are quite common with this. He has tried before and I am so worried that he may try again.
Should I contact his friends and relatives? Should I just give him some time and space? Should I tell him that DDNOS is what I think is going on, or will that make the distance between us even bigger?
Everyone I have talked to can see that there has been a change in him lately.
I just don't know what I can do. I feel like a part of me is dying. I know that I should not take this on myself, but I am so afraid for him, that I really can't choose otherwise. I also do not want to betray his trust by talking about this with people he knows. If he wants to tell them, that is his business not mine. But how do I make sure he is ok?
Could you reply and maybe you could talk to me about what you go through? I read your blog and so much of it sounds like him.
I just can't express how much I love this person and how much it hurts to see him go through this. I know he doesn't want me to see him like this. This is such a difficult situation and I just want some advice.
Thank you so much for putting this blog up here.
Hi, Hot-n-Cold. Glad you found my blog. Giving advice on this situation is tricky, but I will try.
I hear your concern about your guy. I commend you for searching for answers but warn that something like this can take on a life of its own before you realize it. The approach that ALA-NON uses for friends and family of drug or alcohol abusers is an approach that would work for this situation too, I think. Boundaries need to be kept strong to make the best of this situation, and for each of you to live well.
Many with dissociative disorders have greater difficulty around the holidays, because of the extra stress of high expectations, more frequent exposure to family, etc. Its very common to have the holidays as times that push others to check out emotionally or physically. There is a website, isurvive.org that has a support board for friends and family of survivors. You may find people with a good perspective there as you are also a friend of...
Does your guy have a therapist? It concerns me that you said he has attempted suicide in the past. If he already has a therapist he may also have a contract with that therapist about not committing suicide, and/or an action plan that should he find himself on the verge - that he will call for help. The therapist does this to show the client they care about them but also to put the responsibility on the client for his own safety, which is where the responsibliity belongs.
It sounds like he may not be in therapy, but instead is doing more spiritual techniques to understand his challenges. So he knows that he is on a quest for relief.
Has he talked about his attitudes and beliefs about counseling/therapy, in general? How do you feel about counseling/therapy for yourself? How would you feel if someone told you that therapy was needed? Asking yourself those questions and getting those answers are a good base to knowing how to see things from his perspective. Being open about it for yourself is a way to show without preaching to him how it might be an avenue for him.
Many dissociative disorders were created from situations of bad/poor/no boundaries in primary relationships. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is maintain good boundaries between you and your guy. If the source of the original dissociation was his family, going to his family for insight, etc. will likely just feel like a breach of trust to him. If the family was/is dysfunctional, it is not so likely that they have any constructive information to give you. I would advise to NOT go to his family about him.
If he has a therapist, you may try telling your guy something like "I want to be the best help I can be. Can I go with you to your therapist, or talk with your therapist so that I can get information on how I can best be of help?" If he says no, don't push. Seek help for yourself (from a different professional) for how to cope, but not on how to fix him. If he doesn't have a therapist, or a diagnosis, or is not sharing that information with you, then I feel for you in your stuggle to understand what is going on. But bottom line is whatever his diagnosis is, you have to be the emotionally/psychologically healthiest you can be so that the relationship can be as healthy as it can be.
The best approach now I think is to sound happy when he calls, but to not push. If he says he will be back, he will be back. It just might take longer than you'd like it to take. As a guy, he could also be feeling the stress that guys feel when relationships start to get "serious." Guys the world over start to pull back and get less communicative when they feel that "seriousness" sinking in. He will need to hear the happiness in your voice when he calls, but not so much pressure to be together or talk all the time. If he can feel you can hold the fort down while he is away his stress is reduced, and he will inch back into your life.
Folks with dissociative disorders spend a great deal of time and energy trying to appear as normal as possible. They build great skill in hiding their challenges from others. It can be extremely triggering for their veil to be thrown back by someone else, exposing what they have needed so long to feel safe and in control. This exposure can take months/years to get back to normal. I would advise against "outing him" to himself right now.
I had a better answer earlier but lost it before I could post. So the above is another try. I hope it helps.
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