Living with Ghosts

I don't know how other people experience their inner world, I only know about mine. I don't know if what I experience is what others with DID or DDNOS experience. Perhaps everyone does this and its just normal.

The dreams that I dream at night sometimes do not stop just because I've woken up. Sometimes they continue in the background, like a quiet movie playing that I can dip into and out of to see where things are in the action. Sometimes the dream does end, but it echoes and the images float in and out of my inner vision, like so many double exposed photos on film all day long. I wonder if this is qualifies as co-consciousness? One of my therapists said that I have a very low dream thresh-hold. Yeah, I guess so.

Flashbacks that I have are like this too. They're ghostly images layered one over the other, co-existing with my present focus of a task at hand. They're not just images either. Sometimes sound, sometimes sensation, sometimes emotion, sometimes a remembered physical posture or focus. All this bleeds/breaks through while I am active and engaged in other activities. One part of me concentrates on the ghost while the other part handles the task at hand. I think the awareness only goes one way. The present one (me), dealing with the task at hand also knows that the ghost is there. The ghost is locked in the past and does not connect with the present. The ghost thinks that the past is present and what it is expressing is currently happening. Trying to tell, trying to resolve, but doesn't know it's over. Repeating, repeating, repeating whenever the right trigger is pulled. They say ghosts are just dead people who don't know that they died. Haven't yet reached the 'live' awareness level of the part that keeps haunting me so that I can say that "its over. You're not there anymore." Ghost has been haunting me for 28 years.

Self-abandonment

I've been in my new job one month. I'm full time seasonal and bringing home only 70% of the income I was with my other job. But I am close enough to walk to work, and I get to see green plants and blue sky all day long. Will be selling my car to get money to divvy up each month to fill the income gap until tax return time comes around and I can use that money to fill the gap. I keep saying that I will be ok. And I will be.

I have been worrying lately about something I call "abandoning myself." I abandon my own needs and stuff on my to-do list for the safer realm of playing a role. Example: I have two days off during the week. My work life is not mentally demanding so I do not get mind fatigue from work. Instead of using my two days off to clean my house, do some long needed sewing and other creative projects, I surf the net, reading others blogs and online news stories. For hours. Until my eyes hurt and my poor sitting posture causes dizziness and then I do have mind fatigue.

I've been telling myself lately that it is vital that I have the next 9 months to just concentrate on getting me to not abandon me. Keep the computer off, or at least make a list of things to do while on the computer and then once they are done, turn it OFF. Pay attention to my own life. There is so much that needs to be done. And then I look up and six hours have gone by and I'm still on the computer.

Reluctant to own me, to engage myself in my own life.

Tomorrow I go back to work to start another work week. A chance to fill a role and have a reason for not attending to the things that are not yet done at home but need to be. Filling a role is at the center of my comfort zone, for its similar to dissociating. Focus on something external, ignore the immediate physical environment, and limit the range of expression to match the demands of the role. Work as refuge from the self.

I do need the next nine months to see if I can break out of this long ago formed habit. I need to see if I can feel safe engaging myself in my own life. A process, a journey, not really a destination.

Reading and Writing blogs

Why do you read blogs?

People ask me this when I mention that I read something in a blog. I only just started reading blogs this summer. Never did it before, but got hooked quickly. I like to hear other people's opinions and get their perspective on issues. Its nice to know someone by their writing who may live across the world from me.
I also read blogs to feel connected. I moved to a new city several years ago and know only a few relatives. I've been hesitant to "make friends" and have never really done that kind of thing quickly.

Reading blogs about healing from mental health conditions and past abuse is a way to remind myself that I still have issues that need attention. (Flashbacks have that purpose too, I suppose!) Since its usually so easy to push things aside and "forget" its important, not being in therapy, that I have some external reminders of my reality. I've begun thinking about it as "surprise" prevention.

Why do you read blogs? Why do you read this one?

Why did I start writing a blog?

I started a blog, actually two blogs, to dust off my writing skills. A long time ago I wanted to be a professional writer and playwright. I had a play produced while in college, and wrote a teleplay that no one bought, but haven't done much since. Writing this blog, dxddnos, is a way to take a first step in "going public" about the challenges that make me, me. I have not told my friends or supportive relatives about THIS blog. I still have so little trust about all THAT would entail. My friends and family do not see me as challenged in any way, well other than being a restless job hopper who shuns marriage and is REALLY independent. My friends know about my abusive childhood. We just don't talk about it, and they don't see it as a factor affecting my current life. Well, if they do, they don't talk about it. So I need a place to write about, and listen to others who do know, and can relate to how what happened many years ago can still have an affect on my life today. Eventually, I will give this blog more focus and purpose. Since my header says that I'm blogging about DDNOS, I should get serious writing about DDNOS, right?

What can I write that would help you? What do you want to hear that I am not saying?