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Why do you read blogs?
People ask me this when I mention that I read something in a blog. I only just started reading blogs this summer. Never did it before, but got hooked quickly. I like to hear other people's opinions and get their perspective on issues. Its nice to know someone by their writing who may live across the world from me.
I also read blogs to feel connected. I moved to a new city several years ago and know only a few relatives. I've been hesitant to "make friends" and have never really done that kind of thing quickly.
Reading blogs about healing from mental health conditions and past abuse is a way to remind myself that I still have issues that need attention. (Flashbacks have that purpose too, I suppose!) Since its usually so easy to push things aside and "forget" its important, not being in therapy, that I have some external reminders of my reality. I've begun thinking about it as "surprise" prevention.
Why do you read blogs? Why do you read this one?
Why did I start writing a blog?
I started a blog, actually two blogs, to dust off my writing skills. A long time ago I wanted to be a professional writer and playwright. I had a play produced while in college, and wrote a teleplay that no one bought, but haven't done much since. Writing this blog, dxddnos, is a way to take a first step in "going public" about the challenges that make me, me. I have not told my friends or supportive relatives about THIS blog. I still have so little trust about all THAT would entail. My friends and family do not see me as challenged in any way, well other than being a restless job hopper who shuns marriage and is REALLY independent. My friends know about my abusive childhood. We just don't talk about it, and they don't see it as a factor affecting my current life. Well, if they do, they don't talk about it. So I need a place to write about, and listen to others who do know, and can relate to how what happened many years ago can still have an affect on my life today. Eventually, I will give this blog more focus and purpose. Since my header says that I'm blogging about DDNOS, I should get serious writing about DDNOS, right?
What can I write that would help you? What do you want to hear that I am not saying?
5 months ago
7 comments:
Hello,
Maybe, more about dissociation and how it effects you and how you handle/manage it. Just a thought. Maybe, you already did that?
Take care,
CC
Thanks, CC. More about Dissociation, ok good!
Hope you're having a great day!
You said you struggled with the diagnosis. What did that struggle look like? I have officially been diagnosed DDNOS but my therapist also thinks DID. I don't know...I don't want to be DID, but then it would mean a lot of things make sense. With DDNOS it makes me think that the abuse wasn't bad enough for DID. So how bad was it, really? That's a slippery slope to disaster and invalidation. Thanks for your blog.
Anonymous -
I struggled with the diagnosis because I was comparing it to the only thing I knew - the movies Sybil and When Rabbit Howls ( Shelley Long played the main character.) I didn't act like they did, and the only time I had ever lost time was way back during the original abuse. I didn't think of myself as a "we," but I did have many versions of "me." I used to say that I didn't know which "I" was the real "me." Mostly my struggle looked like stubborn rejection. And maybe internally it was a pride thing since I had put so much energy into appearing "normal" ie NOT like Sybil, that I didn't want to be labelled so that people would think of me just like HER and be scared of me.
It was a really long time ago- 21 years now- when I was first confronted with this information about myself. At the time the term Dissociation, and DID was just coming into use and it was way more controversial than it is today, and it still is controversial today!
I went through a period of maybe a few months where I had the same thoughts you have, that the diagnosis makes the past THAT BAD. But my worst memories came to me first, so I couldn't deny for long how bad it really had been.
I feel for you and everyone who is currently just becoming aware of their horrendous past, and how it has effected them. Its such a blessing to see that there are so many more supportive avenues such as blogs, and message boards, and Sidran, etc. It was a blessing for me to have David Baldwin's Trauma pages way back in the early/mid 90's.
Thanks for asking and reading!
DeannAndMe and anonymous
I have to throw out there that the severity of the diagnosis is not necessarily (or 1-to-1) related to the degree of trauma. Don't get caught up in that - the trauma was horrible regardless of it's degree. The response is what you did to survive. Some people had to do more or less depending on so many different things it's probably not worth it (or a PhD thesis) to do a regression equation with all the factors weighted, etc. Probably even seemingly unrelated stuff like how many friends you had, if you had a dog, or if you walked to school. Don't get bent about it.
Now, when I was going to be diagnosed (already had PTSD and severe dissociation by therapist but was sent to a specialist), I had read a bit about it. Based on the diagnostic criteria (which changes over time), I was sure I was DDNOS but wasn't sure it was severe enough to be DID. I figured, ah, DDNOS. So, I was a little scared with he said DID.
Now I understand it more because I am more aware of what is going on inside...I think my denial in the beginning prevented me from really seeing myself.
Maybe this is all a long way of saying, this whole thing - the trauma and the resulting effects and diagnosis is all on a continuum. The DX has to have certain "steps" to assign a code to it. But you could be somewhere between DDNOS and DID...but who cares? The treatment is a lot the same anyway...just a matter of degree.
I don't tell people except a few, but if I had to say something, it would be more Severe Dissociation or something less "recognizable" that DID.
IMHO
Emily
Thanks Emily for that clarification. The technical is really for the experts to haggle with. I think that it is the emotional reactions to the DX and how it affects our established walls of denial that is in the crux of the "it wasn't that bad" issue with which so many struggle.
Denial is part of the toolkit of survival. Denial helps us remain, within some internal parts, "whole" and assists in what other cultures would call "saving face." For all of my teenage years I insisted that I was a virgin. Didn't "know" I wasn't a virgin until age 23 - see other post. The insistance of virginity was a denial of my experience, not necessarily because I couldn't face the physical experience, but because of what I felt and believed - that I was precious and special and deserved love and respect, not SEX. Under all that was the extreme grief and shame that the one person who was by nature supposed to love and respect me more than anyone else in the world (dad) was the one who violated me, and did it consistently over many many years. This knowledge went against every shred of dignity and self-esteem that I had. My self concept had to be protected for me to keep living. My self concept about who I am regarding ddnos/did has a similar belief structure. Thats what I meant about pride getting in the way of accepting the diagnosis.
Self-concept is at the heart of ddnos for me. Since I used dissocation to spread out the pieces of me that did not fit into my self concept, and then "forgetting" that it was done to further separate me from the shameful things done to me, the acceptance of the diagnosis brings me in closer to owning the shame. Necessary, YES! But oh, so painful.
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