On the lighter side

Unemployment is like a vacation, without any money (except unemployment checks, of course.) So, I'm doing things that are cheap but fun to amuse myself and keep "centered" but still feel adventurous.

Since I have to grocery shop anyway, I have decided that each time I go, I'll try something new that I've never eaten/drank before. Some items I have tested lately are these.

Tamarind soda. I don't remember the brand. I tried it because I never even tasted tamarind before. It's actually quite tasty! Definitely will buy it again in the future.

Canary melon. Sweeter than a honeydew and it looks like a bright yellow football (US.) Recommended.

Gaia melon. Smelled spicey but did not taste spicey. Bland and overpriced. Will not buy again.

Santa claus melon. Tasted like a cross between a honeydew and a cantaloupe. Looks like a green pinstriped football (US). If it is small and on sale, I might buy it again.

Coconut water. Not a real fan of coconut taste. Decided that I won't buy that again.

Coconut oil. Louanna, for general use, and "organic" other brands for fancy stuff. Louanna is inexpensive and works great in pizza dough. Plant derived fat with a much milder taste than olive oil. This is now a kitchen staple! Keep it in the fridge to extend its shelf life.

Coconut milk. Doesn't really taste coconutty, well, not strongly anyway, and has plant based fat, which works well with my new vegan diet. Well, 75% vegan, 25% flexitarian. Long story there. It too has become a staple in my pantry. I haven't come across a brand yet that I didn't like. Comes in convenient cans for easy, long-term pantry storage. Great in smoothies and a good all in one substitute for the fat (butter or margarine) and milk in instant mashed potatoes.

Naked Juice, Green Machine. Looks questionable but tastes marvelous! I only get this when its on sale. Supplies many vitamins derived from leafy greens of which I need to eat more.

Odwallah's Superfood and other flavors of juices. Same as Naked Juice, only more expensive. Yum! Special occasions, only.

Rice pasta. Tinkyada Pasta Joy brand is preferred, but Trader Joe's brand is good too. Cooks up firm, nice texture. Costs twice as much as regular pastas, but then I don't eat much pasta, so I can rationalize the cost. It contains no gluten, which helps me tremenduously. Rice pasta is now my pasta of choice.

Late July brand cookies. Well, I actually tried these last year and liked them better than Oreos. But now can't eat them due to the filling ingredients. Sigh. But you can. I highly recommend them!

Trader Joe's Hemp Protein powder. No, I don't get high. It supplies plant derived protein to put in my juice smoothies. Can't eat soy nor whey protein. Egg white protein is iffy too. That leaves Rice, pea, and hemp proteins that are moer readily available in my area.

Pacfic brand Almond Milk. Blue Diamond brand is ok too. Because I'm lactose intolerant. Rice milk started giving me trouble, and the almond milk has more protein for my smoothies, so its now a staple. A plus is that it can be stored up to a year in the pantry, and only needs refridgeration just before opening for use.

Hemp milk. Richer than I care to have my milk. Won't buy again.

PAPAYA! Wow, this fruit is packed with vitamins and good for you digestive enzymes. Can't recommend it enough to those with IBS, crohns, etc. I eat it daily and juice it and freeze it for future uses.

Aloe Vera Juice. I use the Lily of the Desert brand. Soothes the tummy and cleans the gut. Taste is a bit astringent, but a tablespoon of it added to smoothies provides extra vitamins.

Rice Works brand rice chips. Expensive but good, tastes a bit like fritos corn chips or sun chips but does not contain gluten, wheat or corn.

Popchips. Potato chips that are neither baked nor fried. They are "popped." Tastes like Pringles without the salt. They come in a variety of flavors. I get the smaller bags since I have no self control once the bags are open.

Tribe brand hummus, forty spices flavor. Very spicey but excellent, to me! Hard to find so when I do find it, I buy it.

If you see something in the grocery store that looks interesting, but you haven't tasted it before, buy a small one and try. You just might discover something that then becomes your newest gotta have favorite thing!

When there's no way out, go deeper in

Status update: I am now unemployed. I knew that it was coming since my most recent job was seasonal temporary. If not for the need to pay the bills, I could happily remain unemployed indefinately! The Unemployment office has so far approved my benefits claim - from when I was employed for a large company earlier last year. For those future weekly unemployment checks- I am extremely grateful!


"When there's no way out, go deeper in." That line is from the movie 'The International,' which I watched earlier this week on DVD. Not sure how truly sound that advice is, but I find myself coming to the same conclusion today, wanting to apply that new philosophy to my current job search.

Year after year I've operated my life as if this DDNOS / PTSD was something that was attached to me externally. As if it was a boil or a mole that I could just cover up, something that just irritated a bit, and got in the way occasionally, but was not a huge obstacle in my life. (I guess there is no limit to the denial I use!)

But lately I have come to see that the DDNOS and PTSD are a huge deal, especially in relation to how I go about making a living and how I interact with people at work. Everything I do in my daily life is predicated on my need to be aware of what triggers I may encounter and how well I can stay centered and cohesive internally. I experience a great deal of stress on the job when I work with so many people who come in and out of my general workspace. The confusion I feel when I cannot understand the decisions management makes, and the bewilderment I experience when I cannot understand fluxuating social alliances just makes the stress build and build until I become an intense, difficult, negative, pain in the ass to others around me. This pattern goes back through each job I've held since my working life began. It appears that I am controlled by that pattern, and I am unsure how to change or stop it. So instead I've recognized that now I am attempting to control the pattern (eliminate the possible occurance) by looking for jobs that might isolate me more than I am already. Which is not the way to have the pattern broken, I know. For the isolation and lack of opportunities to do a broader range of tasks which utilize a broader range of my skills will only feed the stress, and repeat the pattern once again. I know, I know.

So this "no way out, go deeper in" thing... Instead of denying that what I have is truly a disability, instead why not run towards it? Embrace it. DDNOS / PTSD controls all the other areas of my life, why not give it a premier spot in my work life too? Make it my whole life (for it really has been anway.) Perhaps working in areas that address disabilities, and serving those who have disabilities may be the key to helping me come to terms with my own. Perhaps I'd be able to heal on a level that I haven't been able to before. What do you think of this logic? Is it logical at all?

This new approach has actually revived some old, positive, creative energies within me. I am reminded of other skills that I have that have been dorment for a very long time. It's exciting to recall them. As always, there's a caution in the background, telling myself to be mindful of the dangers of flagrant optimism and zealous enthusiasm - mustn't fly too high towards the moon, its important to keep the feet on the ground!

And so now I feel trepidation and internally defeated. Somewhere inside I finally accepted that I am human.

Approaching something new

The last two weeks of April I attended mixology classes - learning to work as a bartender. I chose bartending because it seemed to be a job that had flexible hours, and supplied cash in hand via tips (because I'm preparing for a further drop in the economy and I want to be as "liquid" as possible.) As jobs go, bartending doesn't seem to be hard, task-wise. Objectively, its a job I can do. Subjectively - which is how I really live my life- it has been more difficult than I imagined, and I've been dragging my feet about finishing up.

Why its so hard

I've been a teetotaler for a long time. Not because of ethical reasons. Mainly for monetary and health reasons. In my college days I did drink some, but by some that means a drink or two a week or fortnight. Never anything even moderate drinkers do. The bar culture, and the activity of doing shooters and shots is unfamiliar to me.

Change to overall approach to life. I've mostly lived in my head. While I have had forays into manual labor, and have learned over the years how to do cash handling, and customer service, my approach to life has been cerebral. This new work will require me to be more social, and to live more in my body. It will require me to act on my observations and be more fluid in my social interactions. It will be a good thing, but it will be a big adjustment.

Memorization. To complete my course, I need to take a written test and a practical, which consists of making twelve drinks in 8 minutes getting all aspects correct. Those aspects include choosing the proper glass for presentation, choosing the correct mixing method, using all the correct ingredients in their correct measurements, choosing the correct presentation (up, on the rocks, frozen, etc.) and finally the correct garnish (lime wedge, lemon twist, olive, cherry, etc.) In order to do all this I need to memorize about 150 drink recipes that MAY be on the final and practical. I'm having a tough time memorizing the recipes.

Fear of the future. Once I finish this course and am in the job search, will I find work? Will that work pay me enough to pay my bills? Will other factors such as my physical appearance and how others perceive me keep me from getting work in the more lucrative venues? The job listings I've seen ask for a recent photo and 2-3 years experience. I'm a newbie, so can't be picky about venues. Just need to get hired and get experience. During that time I'll need to slim down further and get myself prettied up. Judgement about appearance is always an issue for me. (A lifetime of never measuring up to others expectations, sigh.)

Fear of failing, and of making a mistake. The school that I chose makes it very easy to complete the course. You are your only impediment. You can take the courses over and over. You can take the tests over until you pass. They want you to succeed. You have to pace it yourself. So I have taken the courses over two weeks and then wimped out taking the test the next week, and the next. Now I'm thinking that I need to take the classes again. All my issues listed above have decended upon me in this new environment, and I choked. I have been my own impediment.

Other self-imposed worries. If I get into this field, will I get trapped in it? Will it make me less marketable in other fields that I have been in prior to this? Will this field bring out the baser side of me, which has been taking a greater share of self-expression over the past several years. I used to be more refined, used less profanity. Will this new line of work suck all refinement out of me? Will I be judged by others to be less refined because of my new line of work? Will that over time be a deteriment to getting into more lucrative venues? Or am I just imposing my own internal judgements outward?

The act of going to school, and the built in assumption of being judged creates huge anxiety in me that translates into flashbacks. Can't try something new without being beaten down by old messages and lessons from the distant past. Very sad, very frustrating.

My abuser was/is an alcoholic. He drank lots beer at home. The pro is that I've had plenty of years of experience dealing with drunks. They don't scare me, and they don't rattle me. The con is that a future environment that contains drunks on a consistent basis may bring up issues that I've thought I've long dealt with but aren't finished.



All of these things, and so many more are contributing to the head trip I'm giving myself about learning this new thing called bartending. The worries line up to be identity oriented - who will I be once I do this? And also stir up the identity issues I already have - cerebral vs physical, refined vs base. Perhaps its giving me a chance to experience an identity making phase that I missed as a teen. What a gift but also what a challenge!

Yep, I'm a mess right now!

Resurfacing

Disappearing and resurfacing. A pattern of mine socially. Out of touch for several weeks or months, then suddenly, I resurface. Like a dormant plant seed germinating and then pushing up through the soil to grow for a while in the light. It is spring after all.

I'm really curious if others with this diagnosis also have this same pattern. Does it have a trigger, or does it just seem to decend upon you unexpectedly?

Avoidance, Ambivalence

There is a cycle I go through that doesn't involve switching or parts, or flashbacks. While perhaps the more normal of the phases I experience, it is a cycling through ambivalence about relationships (of all kinds) and an avoidance of communicating to others about the mundane, very human experiences of life.

I have friends whom I have not written to or spoken to in months. Am I angry with them? No. I feel great fondness when I think of them, and hope that they are doing well. But I cannot bring myself to reach out and make contact. I'm not depressed nor am I embarrassed about anything in my current situation. It's just Avoidance- of opening that emotional connection which makes me feel more real, more present, more vulnerable.

This avoidance of relationship(s) is a defense mechanism. Defense against what? Reality, vulnerability, the impermance of life. A way to give a mental nod to the idea that no matter how firm a relationship, there is always the possiblity of it ending, a possiblity of one day experiencing betrayal. Unfortunately, this habit done too much, becomes self-fulfilling.

Little setbacks

The hives were strong for ten days and then slowly lost their itch. Not that I like to admit this, but the hives scared me. I had just come off the master cleanse and was a third day into drinking freshly made veggie juices when the hives started. I didn't know if I was allergic to one of the veggies or if my body was trying to kick toxins. This fear was a setback, and I reacted to it by stopping the veggie juicing. I know that it is a healthy way to get my nutrition, and will try again soon. Hopefully the hives don't return.

Two weeks ago on a Saturday night after 9 pm, I almost got into an auto crash. While I was driving through a green light and half way through an intersection, a pickup truck pulled out in front of me to take a right turn. I slammed on my brakes - the sound was probably heard for several miles!- and missed the truck by about three inches. The truck driver kept going and didn't even look back. I wonder if they even heard my brakes!! I was surprisingly calm during this whole incident, but it did bring up a reluctance to do any errands/driving at night. Another setback on my way forward.

Its odd to see how little things, and not so little things can impact the spirit of a person so that they veer from the course they were on previously. While these two examples have a good outcome, its a good example of how delicate an equalibrium we have. (I have?)

Some have accused me in the past of doing too much personal analysis- their probably right- I just know that I have some things to learn about my reactions to things, and what it takes to set me back.

Way back when in therapy when we were looking at things from a child development stages perspective, the issue would have been about feelings of safety and security, and uncertainty about making mistakes. It all comes back to how we originally strung our internal wires. (There is an internal baby part that is eternally uncertain about her safety and the seriousness of results of actions done by her and others.)

This post was going to me more thoughful, but sort of lost the whole thing before I sat down.

What constitutes a setback for you? How do you/how long does it take you to get back on track?

Hives, anyone?

I got through the whole ten days of the cleanse without much trouble. Got hungry, of course, but overall it was a great experience. Last Tuesday I switched over to a veggie juice diet, and also kept drinking some of the lemonade from the Master Cleanse. I really like the taste of the lemonade!

Well, wouldn't you know, on Thursday afternoon I started itching. And got hives on my wrists, then arms, then stomach and all the way down to my ankles. There are no other symptoms except hives that itch. Some literature says that some people get them early on in a cleanse, like before day 6. Mine started after the official cleanse ended - day 14! I suspect that the veggie juice combo I made, which was designed to flush out toxins from the liver, actually worked - so well that my body is trying to flush out toxins through my skin = hives.

Gonna go with it and see what happens. I'm breathing well, sleeping ok, and don't have any other allergy like symptoms. So for now I'll be queen of the itch. lol.